A Kick In The Career: Going Along to Get Along Cannot Go Along for Long

Gianpiero Petriglieri’s Harvard Business Review blog post about “violent politeness” is a good one.

In it, he argues that the workplace can encourage a “follow the leader” mentality, in which it is easier to go along to get along than to spark a dialogue with one’s superior: a dialogue that might inspire positive change and company growth. Of course, I agree with Mr. Petriglieri because he writes for a big, fancy blog connected to Harvard, and what am I but some lowly recruiter who better suck up to him if I know what’s good for me? (I’m kidding!)

 Petriglieri smartly points out that our most valued relationships are actually the ones in which we feel close enough to challenge an opinion. In other words, our favorite people are the ones we don’t simply agree with to avoid conflict. This must mean, then, that our bosses aren’t our favorite people, and it may be worth our while to give them—and ourselves--a bump in status by not sucking it up.

Certainly, going along to get along is a recipe for disaster in a romance. Not that I haven’t sat through my share of excruciating romantic comedies in order to have the privilege of cuddling up with my better half; and not that she hasn’t endured my endless sports-statistics conversations with my buddies in order to have the privilege of going into another room to read. (Seems like she is getting the best of both worlds here, but I’ll look into this later.)

The problem is, we often cannot see the dysfunctional patterns forming in our closest relationships, and one of the ways that couples have to cope is to go to couple’s counseling. I think it may be time to offer that same option to employees and their bosses. You know the dynamic is unhealthy, and you want to try to make it better, so you find a qualified third party to give you a safe place to express yourself.  We’ll call it “Co-workers Counseling,” for lack of a better term. Let’s imagine how a typical session might unfold:

THERAPIST: Tom, when we left off last week you were upset because you weren’t being heard.

TOM: That’s right.

BOSS: Well, how can I know he wants to be heard if he doesn’t tell me?

THERAPIST: Hold on, Boss, you will have your time to speak.

TOM: You see? This is exactly what I’m talking about. He says he wants a variety of opinions in order to make decisions for the good of the company, and then he behaves like this and wonders why I keep my opinions to myself.

BOSS: You need to toughen up a little, Tom. I’m your boss, but that doesn’t mean I don’t value your opinion.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel, Tom?

TOM: Well, it’s a start. Do you really want to hear my opinion?

BOSS: Lay it on me.

TOM: I think the decision to downsize the recruitment department is a bad one. It will cost the company money in the long run.

BOSS: Nobody else told me this.

TOM: Nobody else is going to therapy with you.

BOSS: Well, let’s talk more about this, Tom. I’m all for not costing the company money.

THERAPIST: There, you two. How did that free exchange of ideas feel to you?

(TOM and BOSS weep openly and embrace.)

All right, so maybe going by the boss’s office and seeing people crying and hugging might not be the most comfortable fit for your workplace. But see if you can find a way to remain silent when decisions that will ultimately have an impact on you are on the table.  If you remain isolated and voiceless, it will only contribute to fatigue and dissatisfaction. To borrow another analogy from relationships: “If anyone in the conference room feels that these ideas should not be implemented, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”  Nobody ever does respond to this challenge at weddings. Except in romantic comedies. Which reminds me, I have to go watch one now.

Here is the link to the Harvard Business Review blog:  http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/03/why-work-is-lonely/