Perfect Pitch: Tell Me A Story....

Imagine a retirement dinner in which two different guests are toasting the guest of honor. The first toast is given by the chief financial officer of the company. He says, “I always admired the acumen with which Joe managed his 401(k). He optimized his tax advantages to the greatest possible degree, and his account steadily increased in value every fiscal year.” 

There's polite applause, and the financial officer sits down.

Then another colleague of the retiree begins a toast. As soon becomes clear, this is someone who has known the guest of honor for many years. In his toast he describes the game in which his best buddy scored the only two points of his rather undistinguished basketball career. 

He says, "With seconds left in the game, he had the ball and an open path to the basket. But just then something really strange happened. He started to fall down, which was odd because there was nobody anywhere near him. It was as if he tripped over his own shoelace or something. In any case, he had to get rid of the ball before he hit the hardwood floor, so he just chucked it – and that was how he got his nickname -- which, as all of you know, is SWISH.”

Both these men discussed the same topic: their friend. But they approached the topic in completely different ways. The first toast deals with a topic that’s very difficult to visualize or dramatize. 

The second toast paints a picture of a specific incident, endows it with humor and drama, and then connects it to the present as the origin of the nickname. We learn something about the man who’s retiring, but we also hear a story that’s vivid in its own right. In other words, more than one thing is going on. 

In any high impact oral presentation – whether it’s a toast at a small retirement dinner, an address to a large meeting of corporate shareholders, or simply interacting with an important client -- there are certain elements that absolutely need to be present. 

First, you need to clearly communicate the information or message of your talk. You need to get your facts and figures across. You need to have a theme or a thesis, and it has to be presented clearly and convincingly. If you're speaking in public, this is why you are standing up there in the first place – yet in terms of the impact you will make, it's probably the least important part of your speech. Or, to put it another way, nobody will remember this aspect of your talk unless the other elements are at a home run level. Your information is very important, but information without impact disappears very quickly from people’s minds. 

People, not surprisingly, want to hear stories or anecdotes about people. That can mean stories about yourself, or about someone else. Listeners wants to hear stories, and even need to hear stories. So if all you’re doing is giving them information, you’re not fulfilling one of your basic tasks.

What kinds of stories should you tell? The answer to that depends on your levels of confidence and ability. Ideally, however, every presentation a complete emotional and intellectual experience. That means the audience both thinks and feels – and with regard to feeling, the audience both laughs and cries. 

Think about some of the best speakers you’ve ever heard. How did you feel at the end of their talks? I suspect you felt as if you’d traversed a full range of your emotions, all the way from laughter to tears. This is what a really good presenter is able to do, and effective use of stories is a key tool for creating a full range of experiences for the listener.

 

Perfect Pitch: Keep Talking!

When a new product or service is introduced into the marketplace, people don’t buy it just because it has suddenly appeared. Research shows that consumers need at least nine exposures to a new product – whether on billboards, or in TV spots, or in print ads – before they even notice that the product exists. It’s the same way with making a new business acquaintance. Clients aren’t eager to sign on with someone they’ve just met, possibly at the risk of a significant amount of money. This is perfectly understandable and reasonable.

But once a certain amount of familiarity is established, several things begin to happen. The name and the visual image of a product become remembered – just as the connection with a business contact becomes reinforced as more meetings occur.

As it turns out, something very similar happens even in a one-on-one conversation, and most definitely in an oral presentation. The first time you introduce an idea, especially if it’s not phrased in some sort of catchy way, it will probably go right by your listeners – “in one ear and out the other.” But if you keep saying it, and if you do so in a novel or interesting way, people will not only remember it – they’ll also begin to anticipate it.

But that’s not all. The amazing thing is, they’ll also begin to accept it as true. It’s a strange fact of human nature that repetition itself has persuasive power. Simply by presenting the same information several times you can increase the intensity and the persuasiveness of your message. Just by engaging in multiple conversations with a potential client, you increase the chances of a successful business relationship.

"It is not by advancing a truth once or twice, or even ten times, that the people will adopt it," said Franklin Roosevelt. "Incessant repetition is required to impress political truths upon the public mind. By always hearing the same facts, people gradually give them a place in the corner of their minds. Soon they would no more think of doubting it than they would doubt their religious or patriotic beliefs.”

An earlier President, Woodrow Wilson, made the same point in a different way. Once, as a boy, Wilson asked his mother why she had repeated the same fact to him 20 times. She replied, “Because you haven’t learned it after nineteen.”

One word of caution about using the tool of repetition: unless you have a very novel way of saying the same thing over and over, your repetition could become tedious. If your point can be made in just a few words, you might want to create a simple rhyme. Recall attorney Johnny Cochran’s very effective couplet about OJ Simpson’s glove: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” You can also repeat a single idea in more expanded forms, provided you have the vocabulary to do this in a graceful and interesting manner.

In the same way, try to bring some fresh energy to business conversations, especially when you’re in the process of reeling in a new client. From your vantage point, you’ll be able to tell if this is working or not. If a client is staring into your eyes and hanging on your every word, then it’s working. If clients are sneaking glances at their watches, it’s not!

A Kick in the Career: Santa's Workshop

As an executive recruiter I’m always on the lookout for unique and challenging opportunities for my clients.  When this listing came across my desk, I perked up. If anyone out there is interested please contact me via the Stern Executive Search website.

POSITION: Toy Shop Elf

LOCATION: North Pole

EMPLOYER: Santa Claus

REQUIREMENTS: Must have at least three years’ sweatshop experience. Familiarity with mind-numbing assembly line work for criminally low wages is a plus. Those with the ability to take orders from a well-meaning but abrasive megalomaniac will be given extra consideration. Interpersonal skills and ability to think inside the gift box strongly encouraged. Ability to distinguish almost undetectable differences between nine different reindeer is appreciated. Must supply your own tights.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Santa’s Workshop, a world leader in the manufacturing of amusements for good girls and boys, is hiring an elf, to start immediately.  Duties include:

·        Assembly and product testing of wooden race cars, teddy bears, custom dollhouses, air rifles and PlayStation consoles. (Note: Since the late 20^th Century, it’s mostly PlayStation consoles.)

·        Singing inspirational work songs all day

·        Sleigh loading

·        Removal of reindeer waste (non-negotiable)

Qualified candidates should have no qualms about joining a cult of personality centered on Saint Nicholas, a world famous symbol of buying the affection of loved ones for hundreds of years. Your employer will demand much of you as a part-time, non-union staff member. However, he also works hard, delivering approximately 6 billion toys to the entire world via chimney in less than 11 hours. In other words: no complainers! Finally, Mr. Claus is prone to possessive jealousy, so there is to be absolutely no fraternizing with Mrs. Claus. (On the off chance that fraternizing with a rather unappealing hausfrau would ever cross your mind in the first place.)

SALARY: The satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

BENEFITS: The satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

QUALIFICATIONS: Elementary school graduates preferred and/or certificate of completion from an accredited Mall Santa Claus Academy.  Oh, and a desire to experience the satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

Applications should be sent to:

Santa’s Workshop, LLC

201 Materialism Way

North Pole

I can’t wait to place my most qualified candidates into this once-in-a-lifetime position! And if you aren’t hired, don’t be surprised if you find coal in your curriculum vitae.

Your Inner CEO: It's Christmas! What have you got to give?

In any business interaction, building reciprocity can be a powerful strategy. And it's easy to do: just give something away! The giveaway should be free to the recipient, and it should be free to you as well. But what can you you give away that will meet those criteria? That's easy. Give away some valuable information. 

But information seems like too dry a word for what I'm talking about here. Insight is more like it. Provide a worthwhile piece of advice or service that will be useful to your client. You do it absolutely free of charge, of course, but in that way you plant an almost invisible seed of obligation. When you've given something away, and for both you and your client there will be an unspoken expectation of reciprocity. 

You can send an email suggesting the name of a useful website, or a reliable vendor, or a suggestion about how to get the best price on something in the marketplace. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. It just needs to be thoughtful. You want to show that you’re paying attention to your client's needs and you understand the business your customer is in.  

Oddly enough, many potential buyers may not even know exactly what business they’re actually in. You can be of service by helping them to clarify this. In the early years of Amazon.com, for instance, it was assumed that Amazon was simply an online book dealer. It was just like Barnes and Noble, except Amazon existed in cyberspace instead of as a physical store.

But then Jeff Bezos realized that the foundation of his company was not what was sold, but how it was sold. Amazon was really selling an extremely efficient and affordable buying experience. The object that was bought was just the trigger for the experience itself. Amazon wasn’t really selling a product. It was selling a service.

With that insight in mind, Bezos began to market his service through a much wider range of products than just books. This transformed the company from an online bookseller to a virtual mega-store with an unlimited number of potential customers. And it all began with an insight about the essential nature of Amazon’s business.

When you help your clients understand what business they’re really in, you redefine yourself as a collaborator in your client’s success. You’re transformed into a partner, not just a service provider. 

So think carefully about the insights you can offer your potential buyers. Those insights will definitely increase good will, which is good, and they’ll also increase your revenue, which is even better. 

Your Inner CEO: Time Should Be On Your Side

When you’re trying to land a new client, being a smooth talker isn’t enough. You can't just rely on your way with words. You have to be fully prepared.

A major component of being fully prepared involves having knowledge of your product or service down to a science. You need to know it like the back of your hand. Prospective clients will test you. If they detect any sort of weakness, you won't get the deal.

Always “hope for the best and prepare for the worst.” Always ask yourself, “How will I respond if the client says, ‘No’?” Also ask, “What if the client says “Maybe”? Or what if the client says, “Yes, but….”

This preparation is absolutely necessary for gaining commitment. But experience is also important – because sometimes things will happen that you simply can’t prepare for. There will be times when clients say yes and times they say no, but the real test comes when clients are clearly undecided. You’ll need to handle this with sensitivity but also with total confidence.

When prospects are ambivalent, the correct response is, "You seem interested but also a little hesitant. Can you tell me why that is?" Make it a point to listen closely. Because this question – which is itself a request for commitment -- will uncover the real issues that need to be resolved.

Then you need to know how to resolve them. Suppose the client says, "You’re just too expensive." Don’t try to justify your price. Be frank but low-key. Say, “This is what I need to have.” If the client makes an offer that’s a reasonable number, you can start negotiating – but then you must receive a clear commitment.

Before contacting a new client, you should create a set of commitment objectives, a sequence of steps you want the client to take. The objective of a conversation is always to close the deal. Sometimes your commitment objective is just to schedule another meeting. But the objective must always be something that will move the process forward and bring you closer to the ultimate goal. 

All clients need something, often without even knowing that they need it. Your job is to show clients what they lack, and how your product or service will perfectly fill that void. That’s how you get commitments.

Try not to see yourself as a salesperson. See yourself as a consultant to a new client, but you are a consultant who gets paid for closing deals. You just have to know what steps to take in order to get a 'yes.'

That ‘yes’ might come today or it might come next week, but in your own mind you need a clear road map that will get you there. 

Perfect Pitch: Persuasion

Ah, the human mind! It works in fascinating and even mysterious ways. It’s not easy to make a statement about the mind that is universally true, but here’s one that comes close: "Every idea, concept, or conclusion which enters the mind will be completely believed unless hindered by some conflicting idea.” 

Do you see what this means? If you present people with an idea, it isn’t necessary to convince them of the idea’s truth as long as you prevent conflicting ideas from arising. So if you read a sentence like, “Acme hubcaps are the best hubcaps in the world,” people will believe that to be true unless there is contradictory information. If there's no contradictory information, they'll continue to believe it indefinitely.

We like to think of ourselves as logical, thinking beings – but logic does not come into play until certain conditions are met. Before we can compare one idea to another, we need to have at least two ideas. Until then, persuasion is the result of suggestion or instinct rather than logical processes.

If I say to you, "Cell phones are completely harmless," and there is no contradictory evidence on your mental landscape, you can be persuaded simply by the suggestion I've made. But if someone has shown you an internet website that raises questions about the safety of cell phones, then I will have to show you evidence to prove my assertion. I will have to convince you by logical argument rather than by suggestion alone.

This has important implications for all kinds of business interactions in which information reaches a listener very quickly and there is no opportunity to review it. Persuasive speakers rely much more on suggestion than on argument. And for the most part, listeners actually appreciate this. After all, it’s easy to believe; doubting is more difficult. Experience and knowledge and thinking are necessary before we can doubt and ask questions intelligently. Tell a child that Santa Claus comes down the chimney, and the child will accept this until further knowledge causes change.

Your strategy in persuading people should be first and foremost to put an idea firmly in their minds, and secondly to keep contradictory and opposing ideas from arising. If you become skilled in reaching that goal, the sky's the limit. Don't give it another thought!

Perfect Pitch: Who Says So Besides You?

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold more copies than almost any other book in the history of publishing – and deservedly so. Carnegie explains the essence of successful human interactions in terms of a few simple principles. The most important principle of all is this one: people want to talk about themselves.

There’s also an important corollary to that principle. In the business world, you have to talk about yourself – but there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it.

You have to talk about yourself because, if you don’t, the people around you will be glad to take up the slack with their own personal narratives. They’ll tell you about their triumphs and their tragedies, and how they turned their tragedies into even greater triumphs. They’ll tell you about how much money they’ve got. They’ll drop names. If they can’t think of anything new to say about themselves, they’ll repeat what they’ve already said. And if you choose to just sit there while this is going on, you have only yourself to blame.

So what’s the best response? Is there a way to assert yourself in a business conversation without simply turning yourself into another narcissist? Is there a way of blowing your own horn without actually blowing it?

In fact, there is a way. There are two ways. The easiest is to have a partner who will brag on your behalf. Someone who will declare, “My friend here would never say this about himself, but he (or she) is a genius. She (or he) is also a money-making machine. It’s a privilege just to know him (or her.) Don’t pass up this opportunity to work with us!”

Lots of successful enterprises have worked this way. There’s an outside person and an inside person. An extrovert and an introvert. Very rarely, there have been two people who were both extremely talented, but in very different ways. Steve Jobs the marketer and Steve Wozniak the programmer were a great example.

If you’re not fortunate enough to have someone who can brag on you, there’s still a way to invoke the high esteem in which others hold you. Who are the clients you’ve worked with that a new client might know about? Who are the people who would be eager to give you an over-the-moon endorsement?

As your career progresses, you should create a mental highlight reel of your most impressive clients and projects. Any given industry is a much smaller world than you might imagine. You will almost certainly have an acquaintance in common with a prospective client, or at least you will be aware of the same industry leaders. What example can use to reflect that mutual relationship?

Your basic purpose is answering to the classic (but often unspoken) question: “Who says so besides you?” Mention your work with other clients to show that you’re a player in your industry. Prove that you’re not out there all by yourself. Show that you’re in circulation. Drop some names. Unless you go totally overboard, nobody will hold it against you. Successful people want to be associated with other successful people and the best way to show that is through the successful people you’ve already worked with.

Sometimes even your setbacks can be valuable, as long as they involve impressive clients and you can laugh about the experience now. Did you ever lose a client in a memorable way? Did you ever miss a deadline and still somehow keep the account? Those stories can be as effective as your successes if you present them the right way. You’re showing how resilient you are and how much you can survive.

One caution: be very hesitant to say anything negative about people in your industry. The temptation can be great. You may imagine it will magnify yourself in a new client’s eyes. But this can burn by it sooner or later. If you need to put someone down, make it yourself. But building people up is a much better choice. Just be a good storyteller, with a good plot and great characters. No one will object to your saying how great they are, and they may even say the same thing about you.

Your Inner CEO: "You're Bill Gates...."

Maybe your present occupation is exactly what you always wanted to do -- or you may be in a job or industry that you never expected to enter. You may be happy about what you’re doing, or you may be disappointed. But for the time being, let’s put all that aside. 

Without addressing any of the complexities of where you work or why you work there, try to identify the single best accomplishment of your career. It can be something you did for your employer, or something you did for yourself, or something you did to help one of your colleagues.

To understand this, imagine that you’re Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest people in the world. Take a stroll through your 48,000 square foot home near Seattle, and ponder the question we’ve just been discussing: what’s the best thing you’ve done in your work and career. 

In terms of business decision making, certainly one of your highlights was licensing your computer operating system to IBM for almost no money, provided you could retain the right to license the system to other computer manufacturers as well. IBM was happy to agree -- because after all, nobody would possibly want to compete with the most powerful company in the world, right? 

With that one decision, your system and your company became dominant throughout the world, and you, Bill Gates, were on your way to a net worth of more than sixty billion dollars.

Or maybe you’d like to look at your greatest career achievement from a different angle. Instead of focusing on the decision that helped you make so much money, maybe you’d like to look at the decision to give so much of it away. 

After all, no other person in history has become a philanthropist on the scale of you, Bill Gates. Nations in Africa and Asia are receiving billions of dollars in medical and educational support. This may not be as well publicized as your big house on Lake Washington with its digitalized works of art, but it’s certainly something to be proud of.

Now, back to reality. The process of determining your greatest career achievement is a very personal decision. It can be something obvious or it can be something very subtle. But it should make you proud of yourself when you think of. So take a moment, and then make your choice. 

Your Inner CEO: Corporate Fear

Faced with a charging lion or a maxed out charge card, two people may both feel fear. But the courageous individual takes on the challenge, while the other does nothing. The choice is yours, whether it's in lion country or a conference room.

In order to first control and then overcome fear, an effective CEO has to learn what fear really is. The complicating factor, however, is that fear exists in many different forms. In biomechanical terms, fear is a collection of hormonal responses released by the brain. Once these hormones disperse throughout the body, they begin to trigger defensive mechanisms such as raising adrenaline and cortisol levels, and increasing heart rate and respiration. This is the so-called "fight-or-flight" response. These symptoms are meant to stay active for only a few seconds or minutes, which is just enough time for a person to react to the object of his fear.

But what happens when that object of fear isn’t real? What if it's simply a situation created by your imagination? For many people, the high levels of adrenaline and increased respiratory rates remain in the body for longer periods, adding more stress and consequently making the body experience "burnout" and total exhaustion.

Once you understand what your fears are as a biological phenomena, the next step is to become consciously aware their presence in a rational rather than an emotional way. You can do this in the form of a “thought experiment.” When you start feeling anxious, take a moment in which you step back to say to yourself, "It's beginning. I'm becoming afraid." By acknowledging fear and keeping company with it, you will eventually learn to master it.

Mastering fear does not mean destroying it. No one can ever completely destroy fear, nor is it necessary to do so. Fear will still be part of who you are whether you like it or not. But to help you reach an accommodation with this part of yourself, here are a few practical steps you can follow:

>> Get up and out: Many people have panic attacks early in the morning while they're still in bed. So get up and get moving. Get the morning paper, turn on the TV and notice that life goes on around you. Get dressed and go outside. See that there is life and action around you at all times. It puts your inner life into the correct perspective.

>> Exercise: Get moving enough to get the blood flowing. Do some sit-ups, push-ups, lift weights and walk the dog a few blocks. Exercise replaces "fear hormones" in your body with neurochemicals that promote strength and power for longer periods of time.

>> Play some music: Turn on the iPod. It’s a great way to calm yourself down.

>> Live in the here-and-now: Certain words and phrases can help you detach from negative thoughts; "Relax…” “There's no problem…” “I’m in control…”  Saying this aloud will force you to concentrate on the tasks at hand and sway your mind from focusing on things in the future that may never occur.

>> Think positive: Reviewing a past success, particularly before a presentation or a meeting with your boss, is an excellent way to eradicate the butterflies. You’re instantly reminded that you've achieved great things before, and there's no reason why you shouldn't achieve them again.

>> Food and fear: Eat something light and simple, like toast with orange juice. It's hard to be afraid when you’re eating, and it's especially hard to be in fear when the sugar and other nutrients from whatever you are eating enter your bloodstream.

>> Talk to yourself: Remind yourself that you are the master of your own body and your own mind. Never become a slave to your own fears, especially when they begin to hurt others like your family or friends.

>> Get plenty of rest. It's almost impossible to feel secure when you're exhausted or frightened.

A Kick In The Career: Patience Takes Patience

Lots of people who have a problem with patience, and for good reason. Patience is one of the most difficult personal qualities to master. Patience takes patience. 

But we live in a society that values instant gratification. Millions of dollars have been made by companies like FedEx and Domino’s Pizza, simply because they address the issue of how long customers will have to wait. Because waiting, in our culture, translates into feeling frustrated, forgotten, stressed out, and most of all angry? So there are many benefits to learning patience, despite the fact that you might need some patience to learn them! Here are some ideas:

>> Know the difference between the things you control, the things you can influence and the things over which you have no control or influence. Spend the bulk of your time and attention on the things which you control. This is where you can make the biggest difference. Spend your remaining time and attention on the things you can influence, knowing things may or may not go your way. Let go of the things over which you have no control or influence. Time or attention spent on those is just wasted.

>> Live one day at a time. Treat each day as a treasured gift, because that is exactly what it is! Yesterday is done and tomorrow has not yet arrived, so make the most of today because it is all you have to work with anyway.

>> Accept and forgive yourself. You are growing, learning and changing all the time – or at least you should be. As a human being, even an unforgettable one, you will make mistakes. Get over it and get on with life. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, weaknesses, and imperfections. Learn from them and move on.

>> Change your point of view. Instead of beating yourself up over past mistakes, accept them as part of who you are today. Class is progress, not perfection.

>> Plan your life and follow your plan. Have “Plan B” ready in case things do not go the way you expect. Otherwise you’re going to set yourself up for frustration. Nothing is more maddening than waiting for the phone to ring! If you’re in that position, you’ll probably need more patience than you’ve got. So hope for the best – but prepare for something other than the best too.

>> Set big goals, then take baby steps. You can accomplish any goal by breaking it down into doable steps which keep you motivated along the way. Celebrate each time you complete a step toward your goal. Become your own best friend. As Jerry Lewis said in "The Nutty Professor, "You might as well like yourself, because you're going to be spending a lot of time with you. 

Buy yourself a cigar once in a while. You don't have to actually smoke it.  

A Kick In The Career: Let Them Eat Turkey

We all know what to expect at Thanksgiving. A big meal, a round of gratitude for everyone gathered together again -- and a non-stop interrogation of why you’re not doing better in life.

Yes, it can happen around Turkey Day. It doesn’t matter how long you have been out on your own, or how well you have provided for yourself and others. If, in the eyes of your loved ones, you do not have enough to show for it, you could be in for an annual 4-day weekend of getting the stuffing beaten out of you. Metaphorically, of course.

Somehow at Thanksgiving everybody is primed to grill us on how well we’ve done since last Thanksgiving. And the problem is, there is always someone else who is doing better than you.  If you’re lucky, the successful person in question is not present. “Did you hear about your uncle Ted? Quit his job, went into real estate, he’s flipped sixteen houses in nine months. Making 400 grand a year!” But usually the uber-achiever is seated diagonally across the table from you -- so that, in front of everyone, your heart can be carved out along with the giblets.

“Jerry, tell Tom about your venture capital firm. He could use a little guidance since he took a third quarter loss last year….” 

So you sit there listening to your cousin take credit for some lucky break as if he orchestrated every beat of it! You don’t notice the mashed potato seeping through the clenched teeth your forced smile. Neither does Jerry, of course. All he cares about is bloviating enough to impress the family that’s rapidly losing all respect for you.

If you’re facing the gauntlet of familial judgment this Thanksgiving, remember that whatever anyone says, it reveals more about them than it does about you.

If you’re out of work, well, you won’t be for long. Because you’re industrious and talented and the right position is out there waiting for you.

If you’re employed, and happy, who cares whether or not your work fits into someone else’s paradigm of success? 

Or maybe you’re unhappy in your present situation and you’re letting the opinions of your family members tweak your own insecurities. If that’s the case, well, I hope they’re serving wine, because you’ll need it. (What kind of wine goes with turkey? I should Google that.)

Actually, it is perfectly natural to feed into your family’s dysfunctional expectations about success. And if you’re dissatisfied with where you are, use the holiday tension to motivate you to new heights. There’s nothing like anger and revenge to inspire a step up the ladder. Of course, it will never be enough to please them, but let’s not think about that now.

For the moment, focus on the things that bind you to your family, and the love that has held you together long enough to want to make sure you’re together at Thanksgiving time.

But don’t even think about showing up single this year….

   

Snap Judgment: 'Speak softly and carry a big soft."

Sometimes people who don’t express themselves very well will try to turn this into a virtue. “I may not be very good with words,” they’ll say, “but at least you know where I’m coming from. At least I’m honest.”

What are the foundations of a statement like that? First, there’s the implication that people who are good with words are inherently suspect of dishonesty. But "honesty" can take many different forms. Not everyone wants to be spoken to in a very blunt way. Not everyone wants to speak very bluntly either.

Effective communicators in a business environment are people who know what they have to say, but they are also aware of the needs of the people who have to listen to them. Good managers don't make snap judgments about what they're going to say. Let’s take a look at what that involves, step by step.

If you're in a supervisory position and dealing with conflict, it’s important to establish rapport as soon as possible. Frank conversations may be confrontational -- hopefully in a positive way -- but diplomatic communication should always take place in an atmosphere of civility. That's not being dishonest. It's just being diplomatic.

Next, bring up the problem in a calm and composed manner. A judgmental or accusing tone is almost never useful. It just gives people an excuse to get their defenses up and to respond in a personal way. If you’re angry enough, you may be tempted to run down the other person’s accomplishments and tell them how worthless they are -- but once again, this will just invite a response in kind. Be sure to let the other person tell his or her side of the story. Make sure you listen patiently to whatever is said. Once again, avoid argument or confrontation. Don't be reactive. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. 

Make constructive suggestions. Be sure these are expressed in a way that doesn’t put anyone down or humiliate them. Emphasize what rather than who. Base the discussion on what happened or what should happen, not the character flaws of the people involved. Encourage positive change through effective questioning and active listening. Then arrange a non-threatening follow-up so both to measure progress and make any further corrections.

End the discussion by reassuring the the participants of their worth to the organization. If you can close on a high note, people will leave feeling motivated to follow the suggestions that have been made. This will not be because of fear, but because they see a positive future with you and with the organization.

Here’s one last tactic to keep in mind. Some people may find it easy; others may find it very difficult. Don’t raise you voice. Once the decibels rise above a certain level in an encounter between two people, nothing positive can come from it. Things may definitely happen when people are yelling at each other, but they won’t be good things. One of the worst things anyone can say about a manager is that he or she is a “screamer.”

Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Even if you don’t have a big stick, speak softly anyway. 

Snap Judgment: The Stress Mess

While an acute crisis in your work can be very difficult to manage, those situations are, by definition, limited in terms of time, place, and frequency. But chronic stress can go on for a long time, even indefinitely. So you've got to be patient with stress, but not too patient. You don't want to make snap judgments to get rid of stress. But you don't want to just let it happen either. 

Stress is dangerous partly because people can get used to it. You’re probably familiar with the story about a frog getting boiled in water that only very gradually and almost imperceptibly rose in temperature. That’s a good story, but in real life frogs actually jump out of the water. Humans, on the other hand, will let themselves overheat to very destructive levels based on longstanding stress in their careers or their working lives.

Dealing with stress requires strength but also mature judgment. You need to call upon your inner resources, and you also must be aware of when it’s time to disconnect from the situation in the most appropriate way.

Studies show that workplace stress overload results in one million absent American workers each day. Stress results in mistakes and accidents, declining productivity and burnout, low morale and lost employees, increases in alcoholism and drug use, as well as workplace violence and harassment.

Based on research studies and information cited by author Ravi Tangri in the book Stress Costs, Stress Cures, stress is responsible for the following work-related issues:

• 19 percent of absenteeism;
• 40 percent of turnover;
• 55 percent of employee assistance books;
• 30 percent of short- and long-term disability;
• 10 percent of drug plan costs;
• 60 percent of total workplace accidents; and
• Total costs of workers comp and lawsuits are because of stress.

Fortunately, the main causes of stress – at least in the workplace – are very well documented:

>> Overwork: Obviously, too much work causes stress. But employees also suffer when assignments are unclear or poorly supervised. An unforgettable leader and team builder needs to closely monitor the mechanics and procedures in a work environment, as well as the volume of the work itself.

>> Random interruptions: Phones, walk-in visits, and unanticipated demands from managers all contribute to increased stress. Make sure that what you expect from team members is absolutely clear. Then give them a stable environment in which to meet those expectations.

>> Uncertainty: In times of economic downturn, the possibility of layoffs or furloughs, or other cutbacks are major sources of stress. You should keep your team informed about situations that might affect their jobs -- and provide reassurance if you can credibly do so.

>> Inadequate feedback: Team members need to know whether they are meeting expectations. Consistent, written and verbal, personalized
feedback is needed from the team leader.

>> Lack of appreciation: Failure to show appreciation generates stress. There are many ways to demonstrate appreciation, but the most effective is just a sincere recognition of a team member’s positive contribution. And it should be put in writing!

>> Lack of control: Stress is greatest when team members feel they minimal input in issues that affect them.

These stress-producing categories deserve your attention. Don’t let them persist

Perfect Pitch: Resilience or Regret?

Everyone makes mistakes but not everyone reacts the same way. Basically, there are two categories of response: regret or resilience. They're polar opposites. Like light and darkness, they can’t coexist in the same time and place. So the choice is yours. So the choice is yours. How will you go forward after you've made a fool of yourself. What will you say? What will you do? Will you bounce back or fall apart? 

Resilience is simply the ability to rebound from a setback or challenge -- first in your thoughts and feelings, and then in you actions. Regret is the tendency to dwell on problems, feel victimized, become overwhelmed -- and then, possibly, to develop reactive behaviors such as substance abuse. 

Resilience isn't about living by old clichés like as "grin and bear it." It doesn't mean you ignore your feelings. When adversity strikes, you still experience anger, grief and pain, but you're able to go on with daily tasks, remain generally optimistic and go on with your life. Being resilient also doesn't mean being stoic or going it alone. In fact, being able to express yourself in reaching out to others is a key component of being resilient.

Resilience won't make your problems go away, but it can give you the ability to see past them. To strengthen your resilience, try out these ideas:

§  Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.

§  Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.

§  Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.

§  Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.

§  Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.

§  Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.

§  Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.

§  Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.

§  Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.

§  Most importantly, maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term view and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.