A Kick in the Career: Santa's Workshop

As an executive recruiter I’m always on the lookout for unique and challenging opportunities for my clients.  When this listing came across my desk, I perked up. If anyone out there is interested please contact me via the Stern Executive Search website.

POSITION: Toy Shop Elf

LOCATION: North Pole

EMPLOYER: Santa Claus

REQUIREMENTS: Must have at least three years’ sweatshop experience. Familiarity with mind-numbing assembly line work for criminally low wages is a plus. Those with the ability to take orders from a well-meaning but abrasive megalomaniac will be given extra consideration. Interpersonal skills and ability to think inside the gift box strongly encouraged. Ability to distinguish almost undetectable differences between nine different reindeer is appreciated. Must supply your own tights.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Santa’s Workshop, a world leader in the manufacturing of amusements for good girls and boys, is hiring an elf, to start immediately.  Duties include:

·        Assembly and product testing of wooden race cars, teddy bears, custom dollhouses, air rifles and PlayStation consoles. (Note: Since the late 20^th Century, it’s mostly PlayStation consoles.)

·        Singing inspirational work songs all day

·        Sleigh loading

·        Removal of reindeer waste (non-negotiable)

Qualified candidates should have no qualms about joining a cult of personality centered on Saint Nicholas, a world famous symbol of buying the affection of loved ones for hundreds of years. Your employer will demand much of you as a part-time, non-union staff member. However, he also works hard, delivering approximately 6 billion toys to the entire world via chimney in less than 11 hours. In other words: no complainers! Finally, Mr. Claus is prone to possessive jealousy, so there is to be absolutely no fraternizing with Mrs. Claus. (On the off chance that fraternizing with a rather unappealing hausfrau would ever cross your mind in the first place.)

SALARY: The satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

BENEFITS: The satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

QUALIFICATIONS: Elementary school graduates preferred and/or certificate of completion from an accredited Mall Santa Claus Academy.  Oh, and a desire to experience the satisfaction of bringing joy to the world’s children.

Applications should be sent to:

Santa’s Workshop, LLC

201 Materialism Way

North Pole

I can’t wait to place my most qualified candidates into this once-in-a-lifetime position! And if you aren’t hired, don’t be surprised if you find coal in your curriculum vitae.