Perfect Pitch: Is Anyone Listening?

Listening doesn’t come naturally to most people. That’s not surprising, because real listening is more than just healthy functioning of the ears. Listening takes some work, especially when you’re first learning to really listen.

Why is listening so hard? It’s because talking is so much fun! It’s not always easy to listen to other people, but it’s nearly always easy to have them listening to you. But as the CEO of your inner corporation, part of your executive function involves listening effectively to other people. It’s a big part of your job.

For most people, having a conversation is like driving a car on a city street. When the traffic light is red, you have to stop and wait. You’d like to just keep going, but there are many reasons why that’s not a good idea. So you have to just sit there and watch a bunch of creeps whiz by until finally your light turns green and now it’s their turn to watch you.

Conversations follow the same pattern. You and the other guy are supposed to alternate between talking and listening. You might like to do all the talking, but you’ve learned to resist that impulse….haven’t you? If you’re not quite there yet, learning something about listening can be very helpful.

The power of the human voice is my core subject, but listening is as much about silence rather than sound. But even though it’s silent, the experience of listening to someone is never exactly the same. For example, listening to a police officer who has pulled you over in a traffic stop is different from listening to your eight year old daughter or your eighty year old father in law.

Here are some different categories of listening, from the least attentive to the most empathic and beneficial. Which one best describes your current listening style?

 Not really listening at all
You have a dim awareness that someone is talking to you, but that’s about it. You’re one step from totally ignoring the person – which is not to deny that sometimes this minimal is the best choice you have. If someone is giving you a lecture for their own ego satisfaction, maybe you should just physically sit there while mentally taking a vacation to Hawaii. This situation is very common in business settings. For example, a manager may need to hear the complaints of a dissatisfied client, or when there’s a significant disparity between the corporate power of the parties involved.

“I’m listening to you – but it’s really all about me.”
This is probably the most common type of everyday listening. You have some level interest, but you’re mostly waiting for that traffic light to turn green so you can start talking again. The words of the speaker are filtered through your own pre-existing beliefs. You’re ready to tell your own story – which is probably a much better one, right? -- as soon as the slightest opening comes up. Once you become aware of this listening style it’s amazing how often you’ll see it done – whether to you or by you.

Factual listening
‘Just the facts’ is fine when the purpose of the communication is merely to convey what’s happening, but it’s inadequate for dealing with feelings and motives – which is often the reason why people want to speak with each other in the first place. This kind of listening can win a battle and lose a war. It can be an effective short term tactic with specific people or situations, but not a good strategy with long-term clients or employees. .

Inclusive listening
This is getting closer to the goal. You are attentive to words, intonations, body language, and facial expressions. You have overall recognition of how the other person is feeling, as well as comprehension of what is being said. You’re able to see, hear, and feel someone else’s point of view. You are frank and honest in expressing disagreement while also striving for genuine understanding.

Optimal Listening
This is inclusive plus, an action-oriented component. You listen to what’s being said, and this leads you to suggest ideas for positive action on the part of the speaker. It doesn’t lead you to start talking about yourself, although you offer to take action on behalf of the speaker. This doesn’t mean you’re making decisions for the other person. It’s just that optimal listening contains a strong element of helping someone understand their options. More than any of the other levels, optimal listening puts the other person's interests first.

As someone once said, “Those who have ears, let them hear.” Words of wisdom!