Snap Judgment: 'Speak softly and carry a big soft."

Sometimes people who don’t express themselves very well will try to turn this into a virtue. “I may not be very good with words,” they’ll say, “but at least you know where I’m coming from. At least I’m honest.”

What are the foundations of a statement like that? First, there’s the implication that people who are good with words are inherently suspect of dishonesty. But "honesty" can take many different forms. Not everyone wants to be spoken to in a very blunt way. Not everyone wants to speak very bluntly either.

Effective communicators in a business environment are people who know what they have to say, but they are also aware of the needs of the people who have to listen to them. Good managers don't make snap judgments about what they're going to say. Let’s take a look at what that involves, step by step.

If you're in a supervisory position and dealing with conflict, it’s important to establish rapport as soon as possible. Frank conversations may be confrontational -- hopefully in a positive way -- but diplomatic communication should always take place in an atmosphere of civility. That's not being dishonest. It's just being diplomatic.

Next, bring up the problem in a calm and composed manner. A judgmental or accusing tone is almost never useful. It just gives people an excuse to get their defenses up and to respond in a personal way. If you’re angry enough, you may be tempted to run down the other person’s accomplishments and tell them how worthless they are -- but once again, this will just invite a response in kind. Be sure to let the other person tell his or her side of the story. Make sure you listen patiently to whatever is said. Once again, avoid argument or confrontation. Don't be reactive. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. 

Make constructive suggestions. Be sure these are expressed in a way that doesn’t put anyone down or humiliate them. Emphasize what rather than who. Base the discussion on what happened or what should happen, not the character flaws of the people involved. Encourage positive change through effective questioning and active listening. Then arrange a non-threatening follow-up so both to measure progress and make any further corrections.

End the discussion by reassuring the the participants of their worth to the organization. If you can close on a high note, people will leave feeling motivated to follow the suggestions that have been made. This will not be because of fear, but because they see a positive future with you and with the organization.

Here’s one last tactic to keep in mind. Some people may find it easy; others may find it very difficult. Don’t raise you voice. Once the decibels rise above a certain level in an encounter between two people, nothing positive can come from it. Things may definitely happen when people are yelling at each other, but they won’t be good things. One of the worst things anyone can say about a manager is that he or she is a “screamer.”

Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Even if you don’t have a big stick, speak softly anyway.